Pooping at Work
As I emerged from the bathroom stall the other day, a co-worker washing his hands asked me how my day was going. I replied that it had just gotten a lot better.
Few things on this planet elicit more satisfaction in my life than the act of sitting at work and spending billable hours taking a crap. And I do mean hours. Pity Brian Kramer for his inability to poop at work. It's much better than a coffee break.
Sometimes in the mornings I'll wait until I get to work. It encourages me to bike faster and besides that, utility rates in Eugene are steep; I don't want to pay for the 90 gallons it takes to repeatedly flush that enormous bowl of digested ... whatever.
When I was working in DC it literally used to be the highlight of my day. Nothing cleared away the misery of being hungover and working for a notorious government than taking some quality time on the crapper. Actually it was one of the few joys of being hungover at work, since I'd have to go multiple times. Sometimes my legs fell asleep. Interestingly, and on numerous occasions, I heard work conversations via cell phones coming from my neighbor's stall. You just knew the guy on the other end of the line was wondering what all those whistles and bangs were in the background.
Brief news update: I still don't have internet at the house but hopefully will soon within the next coupla weeks. The latest adventures in the last two months include visits to Mt. Rainier and Banff Nat'l Park. Two weeks ago a roommate and her cat moved in. Everything so far suggests that she's a lucky find on my part. Her cat is great and since she's a lesbian we oggle the same girls for the same reasons. This past weekend was a sweet party at my house. There was much drinking and general nuttiness; sadly there are no pictures to capture the carnage. Maybe next time for our Halloween party.
Few things on this planet elicit more satisfaction in my life than the act of sitting at work and spending billable hours taking a crap. And I do mean hours. Pity Brian Kramer for his inability to poop at work. It's much better than a coffee break.
Sometimes in the mornings I'll wait until I get to work. It encourages me to bike faster and besides that, utility rates in Eugene are steep; I don't want to pay for the 90 gallons it takes to repeatedly flush that enormous bowl of digested ... whatever.
When I was working in DC it literally used to be the highlight of my day. Nothing cleared away the misery of being hungover and working for a notorious government than taking some quality time on the crapper. Actually it was one of the few joys of being hungover at work, since I'd have to go multiple times. Sometimes my legs fell asleep. Interestingly, and on numerous occasions, I heard work conversations via cell phones coming from my neighbor's stall. You just knew the guy on the other end of the line was wondering what all those whistles and bangs were in the background.
Brief news update: I still don't have internet at the house but hopefully will soon within the next coupla weeks. The latest adventures in the last two months include visits to Mt. Rainier and Banff Nat'l Park. Two weeks ago a roommate and her cat moved in. Everything so far suggests that she's a lucky find on my part. Her cat is great and since she's a lesbian we oggle the same girls for the same reasons. This past weekend was a sweet party at my house. There was much drinking and general nuttiness; sadly there are no pictures to capture the carnage. Maybe next time for our Halloween party.
posted by Waan at 8:27 PM
5 Comments:
Poop and lesbians.
BEST POST EVAR!!1!
As my brother says, "I don't want to share my special smell with just anyone". Besides, who's to say that I don't enjoy the crippling stomach pain, cold sweats, and blurred vision? Why, if that's not a vision of euphoria, I don't know what is.
Interestingly enough, the last two places I pooped in public were:
1) Patriot Center (John Mayer concert...he's ever so dreamy)
2) Bally's Wild Wild West Casino in Atlantic City (lousy buffet)
Perhaps it's more of a fear of reprimand from my superiors. "JESUS TITS, KRAMER. IT'S DOWN TO DATA ENTRY FOR YOU."
I also enjoy the internal conversation with myself during one of my "bouts".
Brain: "OK, it's 2:00. You only have about 3 and a half hours to go. You can make it."
Stomach: "Skeeeriririrurrrrurururrr"
[PUNCHES SELF IN STOMACH]
Brain: "That's right."
Did you at least use a toilet when you last pooped in public? Or was it in your pants?
Come on, give me a little more credit than that. I hovered ever so delicately over the seat. I should also note that these two outings were much quicker than my average movement.
Point of interest: The amount of time between the patriot center event and casino event is approximately 2.5 years. Seriously.
My fear about "hovering" in public and taking a dump is that the deposit will splash droplets of publicly used toilet water onto my ass. When this happens, all I want to do is spray a can of lysol onto my butt until I can absolutely make sure that I will not acquire STDs, boils, AIDS or bird flu. For this reason, I much prefer to layer tons of paper onto the seat and sit down to prevent the "bacteria fountain."
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