My Favorite Joke

Okay, actually my two favorite jokes. In case I get hit by a bus or eaten, I'd like you to repeat one of the following two jokes at my wake. You can use it to prove whatever lame point you want to make about my character or personality or whatever. And there'd better be a fucking wake, or I'll reach out of the grave and punch you right in the beer.

JOKE NUMERO UNO:

A woman walks on to a bus and sits down next to two middle-aged Italian men having a conversation. One is speaking loudly in heavily-accented English and waving his hands about (as Italians are wont to do) to animate his story.

"Emma comes first! Then I come! Then two asses, they come together!! I come again, and two asses, they come together again! I ... pee twice, and then I come one last time."

The woman can hardly believe her ears and turns to face the guy. "You foul-mouthed swine! In this country we don't talk like that in public!"

The man looks wounded and is taken aback. "Hey lady, whatsa you problem? I was just teaching Giuseppe here how to spell Mississippi."

God I love that one. Really. Okay, here's the other one. JOKE NUMERO DOS:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half gallon of 2% milk;
a carton of eggs;
a quart of orange guice;
a head of romaine lettuce;
a 2-lb can of coffee;
and a 1-lb package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intution, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiousity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

I love it.