Monday, March 12, 2007

A Wagon-Sized Hole in my Life

A 3,000 pound chunk of aluminum and plastic was removed from my life today. My heart is thoroughly broken ... it's like my Blankie was taken from me. Weepy, sentimental retrospective coming soon.

Friday, March 09, 2007

DIY: Linguini and Clam Sauce

Thirty-eight easy steps. Beware of clam poisoning.

Step 1: Note that you still haven't cleaned up from your pasta dinner last night. Note also that you had pasta for lunch. Note that you should start vitamin C supplements to fight onset of scurvy.

Step 2: Apply some heat to this place you cheapskate ... it's freezing in here. Christ.

Step 3: Pry out that copy of The Great Escape and apply appropriate cooking music to DVD player.

Step 4: Review the ingredients.
  • Two cans of chopped clams - DO NOT GET "MINCED" CLAMS
  • Garlic - about 1.5 cloves per can
  • Olive oil
  • Basil
  • Parsley
  • Salt, Pepper

Step 5:
Make sure you have enough canned clams and pasta to survive a communist sneak attack.

Step 6: Apply a bit of olive oil in to a pan. Turn the hotness quotient up to about 0.3 or 0.4.

Step 7: Cut the hearts out of some garlic cloves and gleefully mash them up. Apply garlic to oil.

Don't burn the shit. They should sizzle a bit, but if they turn brown the oil is too hot--either throw the clams in now or remove pan from heat. Otherwise let them go for a minute or less.

Step 8: Open the cans of clams, drain about half the fluid out, and apply clams to oil/garlic fabulousness.

Step 9: Woo, hard part over. You deserve a beer for being a sexy, brilliant, and modest motherfucker. Apply beer to face, with special attention to the mouth.

Step 10:
Apply remaining ingredients: a coupla shakes of basil, a spoonful or two of parsley, and a single dash of salt and/or pepper. Let it gently boil/simmer.

Step 11:
Put one or both of your hands over the pan and let them get a little misting of garlic, oil, and clam. This is important for later.

Step 12:
Start heating a pot of water.

Step 13:
Check clams. Check water. Ideally you'll finish the sauce at the same time the linguini is done--but you're not a seasoned clamsaucer like me so it's best to let the sauce go faster than the pasta since you can always keep it warm. If the clam sauce starts popping, reduce the heat to low; the water has basically boiled off and the clams are now exploding. Fun but messy.

Step 14:
Apply sauce to linguini.

Step 15:
Review the ingredients for the illiterate or lazy.

Step 16:
Note that the sink looks a lot like it did 20 minutes ago.

Step 38:
NUM NUM NUM. Apply to mouth.


Step 39:
Sniff your hands at breakfast the next day.

Step 40:
Sniff your hands at work the next day.

Step 41:
Sniff your hands in the car the next day.

Step 42:
Heat leftovers; apply to naked body and fall to floor in ecstatic convulsions, being careful not to hit your head on the way down.